The art of forgiving and reconciling

 

As the year draws to a close, it's that wonderful time when families come together. We went to the airport to pick my daughter, Akina coming home from New York to spend the Christmas break. We went to the Heathrow airport on time, but she was late to come out because her airline somehow took two hours to locate the luggage of her entire flight due to some miscoordination in luggage collection. The waiting time was a good opportunity for me to have a chat with my 17 year old son, Seth about how things are going with him. He suddenly showed his phone, and asked if I knew a Buddhist monk who is quite popular in TikTok. I said yes because he shares short and useful quotes. I asked if Seth found those quotes useful. He said, mostly yes, but there are things that he cannot quite agree or understand. When asked for an example, he quoted a TikTok about forgiveness. I thought it was a great topic to discuss while waiting.

 

Seth has had some bad experiences with some friends in the school before, and he found it hard to forgive them. We started a discussion about the Buddhist notion of reconciliation which teaches us an attempt that goes beyond just forgiveness. In Pali, it is called Patisaraniya Kamma. In essence, it encourages one to have an honest discussion about a bad experience directly with the people involved with the purpose of re-establishing trust. It opens the opportunity to identify two types of people – those who justify their action or evades discussion, and the others who are open for a discussion to confess mistakes that can be corrected. 

 

I tried to explain to Seth that it is important to recognise these two types of people first. If one encounters the first type of dishonest people, the best way is to forgive and move on. Forgiving is not about accepting what the other people did or taking the full blame to yourself. It is about promising not to entangle yourself in their world and moving out of the domain. This requires building the wisdom not to fall into the same trap again. For instance, in my life, I have burnt my fingers with people who appear to be very friendly, soft, and smiley without realising that they are very different people inside. Some people are very good at sweet talk for personal gains, giving presents with a strategy, and fake praise to your face as far as you are useful to them, but swift to let you down behind your back when they see opportunity. 

I mishandled the situation by mistakenly believing that they would change over time. Instead of addressing the issues directly thinking that it would harm the relationship, I opted to ignore and forgive in the wrong way. Unfortunately, this approach led to more significant losses, including misunderstandings with valued individuals, as dishonest people used distorted stories to manipulate situations in their favor.

I advised Seth to draw on similar experiences to recognize patterns among dishonest individuals. In dealing with such people, it's crucial to first let them know what borthered you, forgive, learn from the experience, and move forward. If working alongside them becomes challenging, especially in a shared workplace, seeking a mediator for a moderated discussion is advisable. This not only informs the person that their actions are known, but also gives them an opportunity to express their side, and often acts as a deterrent to prevent the repetition of unhealthy practices. Those organisations that provide space for such mediated discussions to happen will prosper faster than those that let dishonesty to rein leading to losing valuable people due to burnout.

But there are the second type of worthy people, who would sit down for an honest discussion. You should cherish these people because they are worthy of long-term trust. Have a good discussion about what bothered you. Use your instincts to understand the context that led to their action and be open to accept your own mistakes too. Never gossip about the discussion or let them down in any way. You should return their honesty with respect by keeping it private. I have had this experience, where I apologised for a mistake I did to somebody I respected and cared. But this person had later told about the incident to multiple people without any care about how it would affect me. Such people lose honest relationships that way. But an honest and respectful reconciliation process leads to a change in everybody involved, growth of knowledge about the bigger context, and builds mutual understanding and trust. It leads to a deeper sense of bonding than a superficial forgiveness without trust. An example I gave was that two companies can forgive each other for infringing each other’s intellectual property just to avoid expensive legal cases. But this does not mean they trust each other. 

 

Seth seemed to understand the difference between forgiveness and a deeper engagement to re-establish trust.

 

After about two hours of waiting, Akina came out without her luggage. She explained what happened. The luggage collection crew had changed shifts while dealing with her flight, and the new crew had not noticed that there was an unattended pile of luggage somewhere. All passengers had thought that the luggage was lost, but then some passengers had noticed their electronic devices in the luggage giving a location within the airport. Then a new crew were sent to collect them, and they had gone to the wrong airplane. Somehow the airport had located the luggage after about two hours. Some passengers had flights to catch, and others had meetings, or winter clothing in their luggage. The airline had told the truth of what happened to all passengers, promised to deliver the luggage to all passengers’ addresses as soon as possible, and promised to pay a gift voucher and reimburse parking fees for the extra time. This confession of the mistake and open communication of the truth had built a good understanding. I was surprised to hear Akina saying that “It was unintentional. These people are over-worked, and they looked very tired. So, mistakes like these can happen. My only worry is about those people who may need things in their luggage immediately”.

 

This is the trust and understanding open communication can accomplish. It is very powerful. Those dishonest people who avoid discussion, or find ways to justify their action, lose very worthy relationships over time. They surround themselves with similar people who value superficial things. But it is their choice.

 

I didn’t quote Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn’s famous statement to Seth because it is too deep, but this wise man once said “Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either—but right through every human heart—and through all human hearts.” It means that all of us have two sides - the good and the bad. Others see both these sides and we often think that we have only good in us. Unless one practices vipassana meditation, only an honest discussion will help us see all sides in us. Isn’t it wonderful if a painful situation allows us to notice the good and the bad in us to make ourselves more valued in the society?

 

The new year break is a good time to reflect on these things. Always try to have a good chat with those whom you think are worthy of building trust. It maybe that a good family chat would be a good starting point.