What makes a woman beautiful

I thought of writing this after a long conversation with my daughter about various social media pressures on girls about looks. While the society nurtues and supports us in many ways, certain habits of judging can cause unimaginable harm to a lot of us. It is us, the members of the society who can change things for the welbeing of all of us. Often, women are subject to all sorts of pressures about looks that often kill their productivity, mental health, and creativity to present themselves as who they are. At the end we all lose by living in a superficial world playing to the tunes not natural to many of us.

My mother was a role model for me in many ways. She was born in a remote village in Sri Lanka. She went to a village school, but had a dream to be a professional. Going to a university was just a dream for her peers. But she promised herself to secure a bachelors degree. She finally accomplished it after I was born, the fifth child in the family. With a degree in economics, she enjoyed life as a high school teacher in a girls school in Galle, Sri Lanka. She could have thrived in the private sector given her leadership skills, yet I guess the society was not prepared for that or she willingly preferred teaching. She empowered lots of girls to reach heights beyond what men expected from women of her generation.

She taught me the basics of how to respect a woman using her own life experiences about the society she lived in. Her experiences ranged from those pleasant ones such as encouragement to progress in the career to bitter ones such as harassments by entitled people. I lost her when I was 17, just one year before my university entrance examination. But the bit I learned during my short teenage time with her can be useful to some out there. One thing struck me from what she often said is that while the society can benefit from a women's unique abilities that men do not have, the society can also make a women vulnerable and leave bitter memories that are hard to be forgotten. A victimised woman is a loss to the society. Lot of men in her generation did not notice that. That maybe why she talked more to her sons about these burning issues.

I remember her telling my sisters that what makes a woman beautiful is the confidence and the honest smile in the face (In Sinhalese, ගැහැනියක් සතු ඉහලම ආබරණය අවංක සිනහවත් ආත්ම විස්වාසයත්ය). Life thus far has proven this to me. She often said that confidence comes when you know you have honestly done your best given what the society presented you with, keeping no hatred, ill-will, or regret. She advised to carefully choose friends who would value you for who you are than trying to fit in to what others want you to be. In this photo taken in a studio for some special occasion, she looks straight at the camera with a natural smile and with confidence.

Her saree, makeup, the hair style, or the pose may not be fashionable in today's norms for a South Asian woman, but the point I want to make is that she didn't seem to be bothered by how others may judge her. Rather, she seems to be saying "here I am". I have so much respect for women who dare to say just that bit. It does not matter what your skin color is, or your weight or height are, if you can confidently say that "here I am" as you are today, you will be among the happiest women on the planet. Do whatever the style you fancy, wear whatever the makeup you like, do the hair the way you want, walk the way you want, eat as much as you want, and do whatever the sport you want, but just be confident to say "here I am".

The price people pay by giving into social pressures to look like this or that is sometimes not worth it. Some people experience eating disorders, some undergo anxiety and various other psychological problems. It is just not worth paying that price trying to please others who would look at your superficial value. I have seen so many YouTubers riding on the waves of these social anxieties recommending various makeup products, wierd eating habits, or even walking patterns. While there can be some useful hints in them, blind buying can do more damage than good to a vast majority.

When I named my daughter, I purposefully chose the name "Akina" (a Japanese wild flower) to mean that one should venture to find the flower to see its beauty as it is. Then all what the flower has to do is to say "whether you like it or not here I am".

There are few things I want to suggest to fellow men. First, it is true that attraction is the first reaction we get when we see a woman. But the realisation that there is more in a woman than a man can see on the surface can change the society in a positive direction for the benefit of all. Second, if you are a team leader, notice that the way women in the team respond to a situation is different from how men do. There are strengths in both ways. If you are a man, your instincts might resonate more with how men approached the situation. But what we often miss is that women often see through men's blindspots. A collective approach of accomodation can make your team way more effective than others who do not. Third, see the long term effects of not imposing any beauty related norms on women in a group. Often, women are either used in the frontline for appearance purposes or in the hidden cores of the organisation to give more prominance to men's contribution to the dependability in the organisation. This only leads to a loss of the true dynamism of women. In my lab, I have had roughly 50:50 female/male research students so far. I have witnessed that female research students in robotics have consistently taken very dynamic approaches unique to them. In terms of productivity, I do not see any difference based on gender. 

I do not want to sound like I only see productivity as the key to life. Of course gender brings a bliss of humanity to any group or organisation, but an attempt to be conscious that asymetrical norms on the appearance can cause more damage than good, can save us from disaster especially in this era of social media. 

I leave you with this TED talk by super model Cameron Russell: