What makes a woman beautiful

I thought of writing this after a long conversation with my daughter about growing up with confidence as a woman.

My mother was a role model for me in many ways. She was born in a remote village in Sri Lanka. She went to a village school, but had a dream to be a professional. Going to a university was just a dream for her peers. But she promised herself to secure a bachelors degree. She finally accomplished it after I was born, the fifth child in the family. With a degree in economics, she enjoyed life as a high school teacher in a girls school in Galle, Sri Lanka. She could have thrived in the private sector given her leadership skills, yet I guess the society was not prepared for that or she willingly preferred teaching. She empowered lots of girls to reach heights beyond what men expected from women of her generation.

At home, she taught me something just as important. Through her own life experiences, she showed me how to value and respect women. She spoke openly about the realities of the society she lived in - about the encouragement she sometimes received, but also about the harsher realities, including harassment and the behavior of entitled individuals who believed women should know their place.

I lost her when I was 17, just one year before my university entrance examination. But the bit I learned during my short teenage time with her can be useful to some out there. One thing struck me from what she often said is that while the society can benefit from a women's unique abilities that men do not have, the society can also make a women vulnerable and leave bitter memories that are hard to be forgotten. A victimised woman is a loss to the society. Lot of men in her generation did not notice that. That maybe why she talked more to her sons about these burning issues.

I remember her telling my sisters that what makes a woman beautiful is the confidence and the honest smile in the face (In Sinhalese, ගැහැනියක් සතු ඉහලම ආබරණය අවංක සිනහවත් ආත්ම විස්වාසයත්ය). Life thus far has proven this to me. She often said that confidence comes when you know you have honestly done your best given what the society presented you with, keeping no hatred, ill-will, or regret.

She advised to carefully choose friends who would value you for who you are than trying to fit in to what others want you to be. In this photo taken in a studio for some special occasion, she looks straight at the camera with a natural smile and with confidence.

Her saree, makeup, hairstyle, or even the way she posed may not match what is considered fashionable for a South Asian woman today. But that is not the point I want to make. What stands out to me is that she never seemed concerned about how others might judge her. Instead, she appeared to be saying, quite simply, “Here I am.”

I told my daughter that I have deep respect for women who have the courage to say just that. It does not matter what your skin colour is, or what your weight or height may be. If you can confidently say “here I am” as you are today, you will be among the happiest women on the planet. Choose the style you like, wear the makeup you enjoy, keep your hair the way you want, walk the way that feels natural to you, eat what you wish, and take part in whatever sport or activity you love. What matters most is having the confidence to say, without hesitation, “here I am.”

When I named my daughter, I deliberately chose the name Akina, a Japanese wildflower. I liked the idea that a wildflower does not try to attract attention by force; instead, one must venture out and discover it to appreciate its beauty as it is. Once found, the flower does not try to change itself to please the observer. In a quiet way, it simply says, “Whether you like it or not, here I am.”

There is one thing I want to suggest to fellow men. If you are a team leader, notice that the way women in the team respond to a situation is different from how men do. There are strengths in both ways. If you are a man, your instincts might resonate more with how men approached the situation. But what we often miss is that women often see through men's blindspots. A collective approach of accomodation can make your team way more effective than others who do not. I have seen this in my wife Visakha. She sometimes points out subtle aspects I missed in a situation. Those have helped me avoid negative consequences downstream.

I leave you with few talks I admire:

Marie Forleo on success: